how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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