My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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