im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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