Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize