i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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