It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
whose parrot is this?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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