im six kinds of drunk right now
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
