It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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