it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
