I'm going to jail i love you
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
