I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
