What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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