i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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