he puts the penis in happiness.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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