Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
