Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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