I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
