he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
