but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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