You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
