I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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