He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
3pm strippers are depressing
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
