Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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