I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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