One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
