either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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