Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
