You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
