if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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