I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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