I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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