Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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