I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize