He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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