I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
