peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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