i don't plan on having that self control this summer
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
