I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
