I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
