Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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