At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
