HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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