My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize