Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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