are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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