FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
