Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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