So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
