The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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