Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
