Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
