Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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