Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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