i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
No more Irish car bombs ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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