I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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