Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
