Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
