1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My hand turned me down
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
