Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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